I have to admit that I've been a bit of an unpatriotic grumble guts about the whole Brexit thing, but now that Article 50 has finally been triggered I've had a change of heart. There's no point in complaining any more, so let's all cheer up and make the best of it.
Of course some people might say that Brexit is going to be the most complex and risky diplomatic negotiation since at least the end of the Second World War. But then I don't think anyone could imagine a better team to steer us through these choppy diplomatic waters than Theresa May, David Davis, the disgraced Liam Fox and Boris Johnson.
The remaining 27 nations of the EU may have a population of 445 million people to pick from, but I think we can all agree they'll be hard pressed to come up with a finer negotiating team than Theresa May and the three Brexiteers.
Pessimistic Remainers (or "remoaners" as I like to call them LOL) are still a big problem with their endless complaining. How on earth can anyone maintain a calming sense of mindless optimism with people blabbering on about facts, and treaties, and problems, and evidence, and negotiations, and statistics and bloody diplomatic issues all the time?
As Brexit supporters I think it's our patriotic duty to drown the whinging of these negative nellies with as many insults and threats as we can.
They might well think that they have a right to freedom of speech, but if we do our patriotic job of drowning them out under a tide of insults and abuse, then Theresa May can get on with her job of scrapping our human rights and making sure nobody else thinks they've got a right to express their god-damned opinions ever again.
Some pathetic naysayers are also whining that the UK might end up losing Scotland, Northern Ireland and Gibraltar. but who really cares? They're all places full of disgusting Remainiac traitors anyway so we'll obviously be miles better off without them.
Maybe we should just give Gibraltar to Spain in return for a promise that they'll veto Scotland's membership of the EU when they leave us? That'll teach the Jocks eh? If you can't stop your long-term partner from leaving you, you can at least get some revenge by bribing one of your friends into completely fucking up their lives LOL.
Some people have been whinging that they don't want to be stripped of their precious EU citizenship, but I can't see what they're moaning about. What kind of person would want the right to travel, or work, or study or retire in any of 27 different countries across Europe? If you want to ponce about in Europe you're clearly not a proper patriot anyway, so fuck you.
Even amongst seemingly patriotic Brexiters there are some half-hearted cowards who are still arguing that the UK should form some kind of trade deal with the EU, but I don't think Theresa May should bother. If you're going to do something important then commit yourself properly to it and do it as quickly and destructively as possible, that's what I say.
Let's not mess around for two years with this formal Article 50 divorce procedure nonsense. Let's just quit right now. I mean what possible harm could unilaterally abandoning the international treaties we've signed up to do? I mean how could doing something like that possibly have any kind of negative effect on other countries' willingness to sign up to future wonderful trade deals with us?
Then there's the unpatriotic scum at the Office for National Statistics who estimate that a "no deal" Brexit would reduce the GDP of the UK by between 6.3% and 9.5% of GDP, but how do they know that eh? Do they expect us to believe they have some kind of crystal ball in their so-called "Office"?
They're only a bunch of so-called experts anyway, and we've had quite enough of bloody interfering experts in Brexit Britain haven't we?
If it's not written on the side of a bus then I refuse to believe it, and even if it is written on the side of a bus I'll only believe it if it conforms to my pre-existing prejudices.
Anyway, even if the treasonous geeks at the Office for National Statistics are right, it doesn't matter really does it? It only works out at an average loss of £4,200 - £6,400 per UK household.
Ah I hear you say, "won't you mind losing all that money"?
Well actually no. You're forgetting that we have a Conservative government and that they will inevitably push the entire financial burden of any economic crisis onto the poor and ordinary in order to protect the wealth of the super-rich.
I'll be alright Jack, just you see. As the patriotic Iain Duncan Smith said, any economic damage from quitting the EU will be "a price worth paying", and we all know that the price is always well worth paying if it's someone else below you on the social ladder who is going to be paying it LOL.
Ah I hear you say again, "but Tom you're just a lowly blogger with a stupidly inefficient Pay As You Feel funding model, you're not super-rich, nowhere bloody near it, so you'll likely get absolutely hammered by the Tories when the Brexit economic chaos really kicks off".
Well technically you're right, but you're forgetting about optimism. If I wish hard enough then I'll soon become a super-rich elitist and then the Tories will look after me while they're loading the economic burden of Brexit onto you pessimistic mopes ha ha ha!
There's nothing you can say to change my mind. Today is a very special day. I've had an epiphany and seen the error of my remoaning ways.
Let April the 1st 2017 be known as the day Another Angry Voice woke up and saw that Brexit isn't a catastrophic act of national self-harm being perpetrated by a dishonest and downright malicious hard-right government on the basis of a slim majority in a rushed, massively under-informed and staggeringly dishonest referendum campaign.
No!
Anyone who believes such nonsense is guilty of treason and should be locked up in the Tower of London, or at least exiled from the glory of Brexit Britain for life.
Now I'm off outside to do my patriotic duty by strapping an upside down back to front union flag between two wheelie bins and maybe later I'll prove my Britishness by yelling drunken abuse at my Polish neighbours.
And if you're a true patriot who knows what's good for you, you'll do the same too.
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